Jesus Has Risen; Time for Stocks to Come Alive

Good evening, Easterfags.

Did you enjoy your day stuffing your fat faces with pasta and pork? The pastel colored holiday is one of my favorites, due to the weather and laid back nature of not having to do much other than eat. Last night we hosted a few people, played some cards, and drank a few gin martinis — ate a few birds.

Quick pro-tip: when hosting card games, be sure to lose most of them. If you go about winning too frequently, your guests will think you’re a wholesale asshole. Last night I lost 30 games in a row, only winning on the final hand — like any true gentleman of distinguished qualities.

As I type this now, I have a rib roast in the oven with root vegetable — eagerly awaiting to be drowned by a red wine gravy. I am particular about my gravy — as it must have fresh herbs and stock — properly filtered as not to possess any of the said herbs upon serving. There are a few things worth paying attention to the details in life — food and drink are two of them. One of my better qualities is my ability to see details, down to the subtleties that often go unnoticed. I find there is a significance in just about anything made with care — an artful expression that should be appreciated.

I know these sentiments fall upon deaf ears — as most of you are banal, knuckle-dragging, miscreants — accustomed to teevee dinners and crafted beers. I cannot change any of you. More to the point, you can’t change yourselves either. Understanding the essence of living, having an appreciation for the finer things in life, takes a certain genetic disposition — disqualifying most to base lives amongst the bottom of the pyramid.

Enough philosophy.

Now through June, stocks should start to get busy and really ripping heads off to the upside. All of my broker friends will be banking extreme coin — while I toil away on the computer like a typing monkey. I have my portfolio positioned for EXTREME GLOBALISM. I’ll be shilling so hard over the next two months, my neck might break from the whiplash. I do believe we are overdue for a truly great rally — a very big, very beautiful, very big rally.

Believe me, when I get done with this market, you’re not gonna know what hit you.

Peace and happiness on this Easter evening — iBankCoiners. Tomorrow we skin some bears alive and burn their estates down to cinders.